I’m ashamed of myself, but that’s what I thought last Friday
when my coworker, Kaitlyn, officially began her maternity leave. Now I know
what you’re thinking (and what Kaitlyn is probably thinking), but I guarantee
it’s not what you think!
It started this summer when I realized that not one but two
of my closest coworkers were pregnant. And by pregnant I don’t mean it was just
announced, I mean it was time to start shopping checking out the Liz Lange
collection at Target. Once this realization hit me, I was scared like I haven’t
been scared in a long time. The last time I explicitly remember being this
scared was during my germophobic phase when I was forced to surrender my Lysol
and hand sanitizer before entering a government building. It has nothing to do
with these two ladies in particular, and everything to do with them in
particular.
After a couple months of desperately trying to speak to them
over top of our cubicles (or at least while observing the old “eyes up here”
rule), carrying a fan around not just because it was hot but because I was
trying not to pass out, and excusing myself to go outside and hyperventilate
for a bit, I asked my very perceptive therapist what the hell was wrong with
me. It turns out I’m not crazy, I’m tocophobic.
Tocophobia consists of a fear of pregnancy (I sometimes think
it’s catching) and childbirth (think the movie “Alien”), and as it turns out
this affects as many as 1 in 6 women. I’m still terrified, but at least I’m
not alone!
I figured out there’s a proximity factor to my phobia: the
closer I am physically and/or emotionally to a pregnant person, the more afraid
I am. Since my friends and associates aren’t going to stop getting pregnant
just to make me calmer, I’ve been working on quashing this phobia in
particular. With one coworker at home eagerly awaiting the birth of her first
child (and rightfully so), my fear has been downgraded a bit.
I’m expressing my interest and concern through panic, and
while I know it’s not healthy, it is genuine.
So, one down, one to go—and you know by this that I care!
